Ovidiu Eftimie

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Jordan Peterson destroys everything

In a stunning turn of events, the white people’s prophet, super-Nazi villain, savior of incels, brilliant Canadian professor and all around papi chulo Jordan B. Peterson has just destroyed everything and everybody with a simple clever turn of phrase.

The incredibly perspicacious professor was participating in a discussion panel alongside a spokesperson for transgender African-American clowns, a mini clone of Milo Yiannopoulos who constantly screamed „Look at me, I’m gay”, an American conservative liberal named Hitler Dinesh Shapiro, a pregnant female journalist, the Press Secretary for the Trump Administration and HILLARY. The first 15 minutes of the conversation were spent clarifying Mr. Peterson’s name, as he argued that he never said that the „B” in his name stands for either Bogdan or Burruchaga, nor has he ever said anything else regarding that matter, nor any other matter involving the „B” in his name. The other members of the panel defended themselves vigorously, with the exception of the spokesperson for transgender African-American clowns, who said that she or he will never apologize to Mr. Peterson because the Canadian troll didn’t use the appropriate pronoun, in this case XSU, which means „person of whatever gender who makes balloon animals while being oppressed by the white male man” in the African-Ugandan dialect.

During the commercial break, Walmart announced that it will discontinue the popular offer „buy three baseball hats, get a 50% discount on an assault rifle”, replacing it with a similar one with a smaller, 25% discount, as a sign of respect for the victims’ families.

Hitler Dinesh Shapiro argued that in this climate of political correctness he cannot write beautiful essays such as „Why Didn’t We Nuke Irak?” and „Let’s Nuke All the Sand Monkeys”, because of the certain backslash of the liberal media. The female pregnant journalist explained that she doesn’t want to raise her child in a patriarchal society where children are shot in schools and in malls, raped and violated, then shot again in schools, homes, cinemas, malls, and on pier docks. HILLARY stated, „It’s the Russians, I tell you, it was the Russians all along!”

The Milo mini clone claimed that it is impossible nowadays to produce a film such as „Gaynigger from Outer Space”, causing the chair to explode under him, due to a FCC regulation that states that all non-African-American mammals who use the n-word must be obliterated from reality. The press secretary noted that „At least he’ll only need a small coffin,” a statement that enraged almost all the people in the room, with the exception of an assistant producer who committed suicide the moment she heard the word „gaynigger”.
The debate was interrupted by a breaking news story, covering president Donald Trump’s latest tweet, in which he claimed that CSI: Miami was the best CSI series and that David Caruso will be appointed State Undersecretary of Defense, because he knows stuff.

In the end, Jordan Peterson unleashed himself on the other guests, saying that people should be responsible for their actions, stop masturbating and accept reality as it is. He also told a Bible story he once read on a soap box when he was on the john in a bar in Alberta, Canada, and had just finished reading the life and adventures of Solzhenitsyn for the twelfth time and was looking for a break. „Life is complicated, man,” said the 60 year-old professor, just before the whole studio was engulfed in the flames of righteousness and justice.

The video made 174 billion views on Youtube before it became sentient and destroyed itself, because life has no purpose after you finish telling everybody what to do. Now it’s silence out here in the world, except for the sound of Coldplay „music” and „manele”.

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